Allowing Life :)

I thought after such an effort at night (to finish doing all I felt I better be finishing then) I would feel like wanting to do nothing now, like I felt on day 2, but no, instead I feel like.. grown up. Like in the end of an exam session in the University, when I was feeling I can learn so much more now!

Maybe the difference is in a stage: a stage of a chaos in the system, or a stage when it went to the higher order. Bill Harris explained these stages:

“Dissipative structures flourish in unstable, fluctuating environments by
being plastic enough to handle the variations and changes in such
environments. The more ordered and complex a system becomes, the more
entropy it must dissipate in order to maintain its existence. Conversely,
each system has an upper limit, due to its level of complexity, of how much
entropy it can dissipate. This is a key point. If the fluctuations from the
environment increase beyond that limit, the system, unable to disperse
enough entropy into its environment, begins to become internally more
entropic, or chaotic.

If the excessive fluctuations continue, the chaos eventually becomes so
great that the system begins to break down until finally a point is reached
where the slightest nudge can bring the whole system grinding to a halt.

This point, which Prigogine called a bifurcation point — bifurcate means
to divide into two branches — is a decision point, a moment of truth.
Either the system totally breaks down and ceases to exist as an organized
system or it spontaneously reorders itself in an entirely new way.
Incredibly, this reorganization is non-causal and non-linear with what
went before — it is in no way predictable from prior conditions. Only the
probability of a certain outcome can be determined. The change is a true
quantum leap, a death and re-birth, and the main characteristic of the new
system is that it has the capability to handle the fluctuations, the input
from the environment, that caused the initial overwhelm and eventual
break-down of the old system. In Prigogine’s words, the system “escapes
into a higher order.”

Out of chaos comes a new order, a more evolved system. This new system has
a new stability and is able to more easily exist in the previously
overwhelming high fluctuation environment. But if fluctuations increase
again to a level beyond the system’s new and higher capacity for dispersion
of entropy, the process will repeat, resulting in new internal chaos and
another reorganization at a new and yet more evolved level.

The human brain is the ultimate dissipative structure, constantly taking in
energy and matter from the environment, constantly dispersing entropy. We
are able to handle amazing amounts of fluctuation from the environment,
encountering all kinds of new ideas, stimuli, and events, handling them
without threat to the system.

But if fluctuations reach a certain critical point, different for each
individual, we begin to feel overwhelmed and become less and less able to
deal with increased environmental input. Eventually, the system (our mental
construct of “what is”) is forced either to break down or to reorganize at
a higher, more evolved level. The process goes something like this: first
things make sense; then, as chaos increases, they no longer make sense any
more; finally, after reorganization, they make sense again, but in a whole
new way, never before imagined.

It is easy to see from the foregoing discussion that certain types of
people will be more likely to reach this “moment of truth” — what Abraham
Maslow called “peak experience” — and give themselves the chance of
“escaping into a higher order.” Those who constantly open themselves to new
ideas and experiences and who are not afraid of feeling a bit overwhelmed
once in a while are more likely to have this type of peak experience and
are therefore more likely to evolve.”

So I’m probably in a higher order now. I do feel like I am capable for more now. Great! :)

In the beginning it felt like writing, quickly, without editing, and I was doubting, if I ever want to stop, go back and edit, ever. And here I am wanting to edit more than to write something new, and what’s delicious for me now, is to write the details of what was only given as a trail, a trajectory, to give it a flesh, to get the juicy details in it, to milk it for more taste, for richer taste.

And I couldn’t see it coming.

It reminds me of Bashar’s “trusting the highest excitement”, about that girl who didn’t always want to do the cleaning for her animals:

(“Bashar – Trusting Your Joy”: video)

It also reminds me the Hero’s Journey in it all: because it’s a journey, and also because I remember that special part of the Hero’s Journey, “just before the dawn”, when it seems the darkest and the goal achievement seems absolutely impossible. And then it does come. Like my editing. :)

It’s a delicious home to be in, my writing, my communicating with the book, being in this space. I’m glad I’m here.

And here’s a video that explained to me why I was intuitively rejecting counting the words:

(“Abraham Hicks 2015 – It’s all about the energy and the energy leads to action”: video)

Taking score!! This is what counting words is! One more confirmation that it’s good (for me) to listen inside. :)

P.S. I’m writing it at the end of the day. Two editings (I mean, in two books) are done. But what I felt in the beginning of the day, that I’m ready – I felt it only when I wasn’t really approaching to do the physical stuff. The physical took me again, releasing it, agreeing, that I do nothing today.

Then 3am, I was called in. Feeling fulfilled now, letting myself speak, in a way that is approved by me now.

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